Thank God For Fat Italians

There should be no question among TGFEB readers (lucky enough to have been graced with my presence) that I am a fat Italian. I have a Culinary Arts degree from Wassamatta U and my name is Free Pizza, for chrissakes.

That said, I am not here to write a self-congratulatory post. I don't feel worthy of this post because I can never hope to achieve the status of the fat Italians I mention today (and I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm only 1/4 Sicilian and I don't even like sausage all that much. I know!).

Before we begin, let's see at what our friend Webster has to say on the two necessary elements involved in being a fat Italian.

Italian (n):
1. a native or inhabitant of Italy, or a person of Italian descent.
2. awesome, has life's priorities straightened out.
3. likes a spicy meat-a-ball.

Fat (adj):
1. having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese.
2. awesome, has life's priorities straightened out.
3. likes a spicy meat-a-ball.

Let us take a look at important fat Italians in our culture.

Marlon Brando:


As this crude Google image search result shows us, as Brando got fatter, he got hotter. He left the critics of fat Italians on this mortal plane with a final "fongool" because he lived to be 80 freakin' years old.

Iron Chef Mario Batali:


Although the orange Crocs may be questionable, a sausage scarf offers absolute legitimacy in the world of Fat Italianism.

Chef Boyardee:


Let's be honest here, Boyardee could beat Iron Chef Mario Batali's ponytail off in Kitchen Stadium.

Mario:


Not only did Mario elevate the fat Italian to a heroic status, but he also nailed princesses, rode a pet dinosaur, did shrooms, and brought dignity back into the plumbing profession.

And finally, the inspiration for this post, the late Dom DeLuise:


In a way, Dom left with a "fongool," leaving this mortal coil at the age of 75. But he wouldn't have actually said it, because he was too damn pleasant.

Before I start to cry, I relate this question to my cohort, Open Bar...

Open Bar, while I am aware of your Italian heritage and the degree of your fatness, I want you to prove to TGFEB readers that you are indeed a Fat Italian. Tell us of your ultimate dream Italian meal.

When in Rome, eat more gelato,
Free Pizza