(We're experienced in the art of "Marry One, Fornicate With One (what, should I have used the actual word when so many academic blogging circles are watching? I'd be crucified.), Kill One." It's time to pick from...let's say Cloris Leachman, Lee Meriweather, and Rue McClanahan. Shoot.)
Ohhhhh...you kidding? Really? Free Pizza, what the hell are you trying to do to me?
As easy and honest as it would be to say I'd roger 'em all roundly, I guess that ruins the game.
Here goes nothing:
First of all, I can't lose two Golden Girls in one week, so Rue stays alive, and I'm friggin' marrying her.
Cloris, you're eighty-two years old, and I still have to smoke a cigarette after every time I see you on TV. Please, please, please do me.
And Lee...oh Lee, look, I'm sorry. It's not that you don't give me a hard-on like Franco Columbu's forearm, it's more that I want to bang Blanche and Frau a smidgen more. I'm sorry.
Wondering why Free Pizza tortures me so,
Open Bar
Oh, and Bea...thank you for being a friend.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thank God For Hot Old Ladies
Being the double X chromosomed member of the Free Pizza and Open Bar enterprise, one may think I am not as qualified as Open Bar to discuss this week's topic. However, I believe that all Internet journalists must occasionally broaden horizons. Also, can't a girl have some ladycrushes?
Before I begin, here are some topics I considered for this week:
-Thank God For Botox
-Thank God For Hair Dye/Hair Weaves
-Thank God For Push-Up Bras
-Thank God For Fabulous Shawls
These are all mere stray raindrops falling under the umbrella of Hot Old Ladies. Generally I'm all for allowing oneself to grow old, gracefully letting your youth and beauty slip away...
No-ho-ho...not these bitches.
Cloris Leachman
Hot.
Helen Mirren
Hot.
Lee Meriweather
Hot.
Rue McClanahan
Hot.
Joan Collins
...will throw a cocktail in your face if you even question her hotness.
However, the real reason for this post was to showcase the late and lovely Bea Arthur...
...who will continue to be just as hot and fabulous in the afterlife. We'll miss you, Bea.
You see, not only are hot old ladies here to remind us aging is a beautiful process, but to remind us that after 50, us mortals can never look as hot as these broads.
Listen up, Open Bar!
We're experienced in the art of "Marry One, Fornicate With One (what, should I have used the actual word when so many academic blogging circles are watching? I'd be crucified.), Kill One." It's time to pick from...let's say Cloris Leachman, Lee Meriweather, and Rue McClanahan. Shoot.
Cocktails and sunhats,
Free Pizza
Ps. Let the record show that Susan Lucci...
...does not count as a hot old lady. She's just as desperate to look perpetually 25 years old as she was for that Emmy.
Before I begin, here are some topics I considered for this week:
-Thank God For Botox
-Thank God For Hair Dye/Hair Weaves
-Thank God For Push-Up Bras
-Thank God For Fabulous Shawls
These are all mere stray raindrops falling under the umbrella of Hot Old Ladies. Generally I'm all for allowing oneself to grow old, gracefully letting your youth and beauty slip away...
No-ho-ho...not these bitches.
Cloris Leachman
Hot.
Helen Mirren
Hot.
Lee Meriweather
Hot.
Rue McClanahan
Hot.
Joan Collins
...will throw a cocktail in your face if you even question her hotness.
However, the real reason for this post was to showcase the late and lovely Bea Arthur...
...who will continue to be just as hot and fabulous in the afterlife. We'll miss you, Bea.
You see, not only are hot old ladies here to remind us aging is a beautiful process, but to remind us that after 50, us mortals can never look as hot as these broads.
Listen up, Open Bar!
We're experienced in the art of "Marry One, Fornicate With One (what, should I have used the actual word when so many academic blogging circles are watching? I'd be crucified.), Kill One." It's time to pick from...let's say Cloris Leachman, Lee Meriweather, and Rue McClanahan. Shoot.
Cocktails and sunhats,
Free Pizza
Ps. Let the record show that Susan Lucci...
...does not count as a hot old lady. She's just as desperate to look perpetually 25 years old as she was for that Emmy.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Re: Thank God For Keyboard Cat
(What exactly has Keyboard Cat done for you and your life?)
Not only has Keyboard Cat taught me how to love and dance a waltz, but he also fixed my gutters.
I do indeed owe Keyboard Cat my life.
Ciao,
Free Pizza
Not only has Keyboard Cat taught me how to love and dance a waltz, but he also fixed my gutters.
I do indeed owe Keyboard Cat my life.
Ciao,
Free Pizza
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thank God For Keyboard Cat
TGFEB readers, today is a day to remember. A day to celebrate. A day to record in the annuls of American Entertainment Blog history. Today is the day that I share with you, Keyboard Cat.
Now, if you're a mild to moderate viral video dweeb like myself, there's a pretty good chance you're familiar with the video "Cool Cat". What's that? No? Well then allow me to help:
And unless you are a recently thawed neanderthal, I'm more than certain you are familiar with the concept of a "FAIL". What's that? No? Oh, no wi-fi in your fortified FLDS compound? Alright then, maybe this will help:
Still not clear?
Alrighty, now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to business. Keyboard Cat. Keyboard Cat combines the concepts of a "FAIL" and the original "Cool Cat". Example:
I know, right?
Again:
Ha!
Alright, alright, one more:
And the best part about it? Keyboard Cat makes everything better! The absolute most tragic of videos can be redeemed by the musical accompaniment of a cat playing the keyboard.
Case in point:
So there you go folks, now you know that, like whichever omnipotent being you fear, you will always have Keyboard Cat, the end all, cure all of viral videos, to fall back on.
So, Ms. Free Pizza:
What exactly has Keyboard Cat done for you and your life?
Until next time,
Open Bar
Ok, one more:
Now, if you're a mild to moderate viral video dweeb like myself, there's a pretty good chance you're familiar with the video "Cool Cat". What's that? No? Well then allow me to help:
And unless you are a recently thawed neanderthal, I'm more than certain you are familiar with the concept of a "FAIL". What's that? No? Oh, no wi-fi in your fortified FLDS compound? Alright then, maybe this will help:
Still not clear?
Alrighty, now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to business. Keyboard Cat. Keyboard Cat combines the concepts of a "FAIL" and the original "Cool Cat". Example:
I know, right?
Again:
Ha!
Alright, alright, one more:
And the best part about it? Keyboard Cat makes everything better! The absolute most tragic of videos can be redeemed by the musical accompaniment of a cat playing the keyboard.
Case in point:
So there you go folks, now you know that, like whichever omnipotent being you fear, you will always have Keyboard Cat, the end all, cure all of viral videos, to fall back on.
So, Ms. Free Pizza:
What exactly has Keyboard Cat done for you and your life?
Until next time,
Open Bar
Ok, one more:
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Re: Thank God For...Zac Efron
(If you could melt down Zac Efron to the point of a waxy puddle and reshape him, what kind of candle would you make?)
The candle would most certainly be in the shape of a gimmick, and be scented with the stale, stinky stank of deceit and counterfeit.
Just waiting for Free Pizza to actually watch High School Musical,
Open Bar
The candle would most certainly be in the shape of a gimmick, and be scented with the stale, stinky stank of deceit and counterfeit.
Just waiting for Free Pizza to actually watch High School Musical,
Open Bar
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thank God For...Zac Efron
THFEB readers, I would like to openly apologize for the absence of my post last week. You see, I was wrestling with my chosen topic of the week, unsure of its justifiability. But after I saw the trailer for the refried cliché mess that is 17 Again …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW9TkWY6Cng
…I think I like Zac Efron, okay? Not in a schoolgirl crush kind of way, but similar to my love for Justin Timberlake, I just want to be his mother and feed him casserole. But I feel so wrong making this assessment because I’ve only seen him in the remake of Hairspray.
Because he was DELIGHTFUL!
Despite being so damn endearing, our good friend Zac Efron seems to face a lot of oppostition from people in other social spheres (you know, the social spheres that don't include 12 year old girls). They say he's just another face in the wave of teenyboppers. they say he's only popular because he's cute, and they say he looks like he's made of wax.
But you know who was a face in a wave of teenyboppers, seemed to only be popular because he was cute, and looked like he was made made of wax? Davy Freakin' Jones.
I will stand back and let that implication stand in, because you know I'm right.
You can expect me to stand by these statements I made here today...until I watch the first 20 minutes of High School Musical. After that, you can expect me to live off the grid in stubborn, stubborn shame.
Now, Mr. Open Bar...
If you could melt down Zac Efron to the point of a waxy puddle and reshape him, what kind of candle would you make?
Mop tops and love beads,
Free Pizza
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW9TkWY6Cng
…I think I like Zac Efron, okay? Not in a schoolgirl crush kind of way, but similar to my love for Justin Timberlake, I just want to be his mother and feed him casserole. But I feel so wrong making this assessment because I’ve only seen him in the remake of Hairspray.
Because he was DELIGHTFUL!
Despite being so damn endearing, our good friend Zac Efron seems to face a lot of oppostition from people in other social spheres (you know, the social spheres that don't include 12 year old girls). They say he's just another face in the wave of teenyboppers. they say he's only popular because he's cute, and they say he looks like he's made of wax.
But you know who was a face in a wave of teenyboppers, seemed to only be popular because he was cute, and looked like he was made made of wax? Davy Freakin' Jones.
I will stand back and let that implication stand in, because you know I'm right.
You can expect me to stand by these statements I made here today...until I watch the first 20 minutes of High School Musical. After that, you can expect me to live off the grid in stubborn, stubborn shame.
Now, Mr. Open Bar...
If you could melt down Zac Efron to the point of a waxy puddle and reshape him, what kind of candle would you make?
Mop tops and love beads,
Free Pizza
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