Thank God For Guy Fieri

(Author's note: For the duration of this post, I will be referring to Guy Fieri as Beefaghetti, as I find it more fitting.)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank God for the Food Network's Beefaghetti. You know, the snarky, sweaty bastion of grease with hair as bright as the midday sun. You can hate his catchphrases, you can hate his forearm sweatband, you can hate the mayonnaise clinging to his goatee as he devours a deep fried hamburger, but you know what?

You just might be jealous, reader. You might be jealous because you know you want his job.

While I consider Open Bar's and my job the most rewarding for the mind and soul, Beefaghetti's job is, without a doubt, the most rewarding for the stomach. Sunburned stomachs covered with bowling shirts. But really, wouldn't you rather quit your bourgeois office job and hit the road, stopping at every diner, drive-in, and dive, and impose on a restaurant's protocol?

I'm sure your eyes burn with jealousy as you watch him scarf down fish tacos in middle of nowhere Arizona, telling yourself you are much more qualified for the job, which you probably are. The fact of the matter is, people like you don't get TV shows. People who write biographies like this:

I'm really kind of shy...NAW!!
One of the things I dig is people. Hangin' with 'em, coolin' with 'em, sharin' stories...you name it. The best part of my life has been meeting people...not only the famous people, but regular folks who are living life 'on point' and 'off the hook.' Take a snoop around and you'll see and hear the inside 'dish' on yours truly, the people in my Krew, some of the people I meet, and even get a chance to change my look. As you can see, most of it's not serious. If you want serious go to boring.com.

....are the ones who get TV shows.

If anything, Beefaghetti is a humbling force of the universe. He's come from a distant star to remind us all that it's never appropriate to dress like a member of Smash Mouth at 41 (or any age, for that matter). Beefaghetti is necessary, and his presence on this earth is, dare I say...

...money.

And now, to my associate, Open Bar:

Beefaghetti has a slew of adjectives he grunts as he's eating something he thoroughly enjoys, like "money," "off the hook," and "bananas." If you could suggest a new Beefaghetti brand word or phrase to utter when scarfing down something tasty, what would it be?

Always a pleasure,

Free Pizza