(We all know my introspection can be shoddy, and you know me better than anyone. Why do you think I watched The Notebook?)
Open Bar, it may surprise you, but I believe all of your hypotheses are false. You probably watched it because you needed a good cry.
Your comrade in mixing salty tears with Ben & Jerry's,
Free Pizza
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Re: Thank God For Guy Fieri
(Beefaghetti has a slew of adjectives he grunts as he's eating something he thoroughly enjoys, like "money," "off the hook," and "bananas." If you could suggest a new Beefaghetti brand word or phrase to utter when scarfing down something tasty, what would it be?)
"Oh, oh man...I wanna put that on my butt."
"Oh, oh man...I wanna put that on my butt."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thank God For Guy Fieri
(Author's note: For the duration of this post, I will be referring to Guy Fieri as Beefaghetti, as I find it more fitting.)
Ladies and gentlemen, thank God for the Food Network's Beefaghetti. You know, the snarky, sweaty bastion of grease with hair as bright as the midday sun. You can hate his catchphrases, you can hate his forearm sweatband, you can hate the mayonnaise clinging to his goatee as he devours a deep fried hamburger, but you know what?
Ladies and gentlemen, thank God for the Food Network's Beefaghetti. You know, the snarky, sweaty bastion of grease with hair as bright as the midday sun. You can hate his catchphrases, you can hate his forearm sweatband, you can hate the mayonnaise clinging to his goatee as he devours a deep fried hamburger, but you know what?
You just might be jealous, reader. You might be jealous because you know you want his job.
While I consider Open Bar's and my job the most rewarding for the mind and soul, Beefaghetti's job is, without a doubt, the most rewarding for the stomach. Sunburned stomachs covered with bowling shirts. But really, wouldn't you rather quit your bourgeois office job and hit the road, stopping at every diner, drive-in, and dive, and impose on a restaurant's protocol?
I'm sure your eyes burn with jealousy as you watch him scarf down fish tacos in middle of nowhere Arizona, telling yourself you are much more qualified for the job, which you probably are. The fact of the matter is, people like you don't get TV shows. People who write biographies like this:
I'm really kind of shy...NAW!!
One of the things I dig is people. Hangin' with 'em, coolin' with 'em, sharin' stories...you name it. The best part of my life has been meeting people...not only the famous people, but regular folks who are living life 'on point' and 'off the hook.' Take a snoop around and you'll see and hear the inside 'dish' on yours truly, the people in my Krew, some of the people I meet, and even get a chance to change my look. As you can see, most of it's not serious. If you want serious go to boring.com.
One of the things I dig is people. Hangin' with 'em, coolin' with 'em, sharin' stories...you name it. The best part of my life has been meeting people...not only the famous people, but regular folks who are living life 'on point' and 'off the hook.' Take a snoop around and you'll see and hear the inside 'dish' on yours truly, the people in my Krew, some of the people I meet, and even get a chance to change my look. As you can see, most of it's not serious. If you want serious go to boring.com.
....are the ones who get TV shows.
If anything, Beefaghetti is a humbling force of the universe. He's come from a distant star to remind us all that it's never appropriate to dress like a member of Smash Mouth at 41 (or any age, for that matter). Beefaghetti is necessary, and his presence on this earth is, dare I say...
...money.
And now, to my associate, Open Bar:
Beefaghetti has a slew of adjectives he grunts as he's eating something he thoroughly enjoys, like "money," "off the hook," and "bananas." If you could suggest a new Beefaghetti brand word or phrase to utter when scarfing down something tasty, what would it be?
Always a pleasure,
Free Pizza
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Re: Thank God For Duets
(Who would you most like to be accompanied by in a duet (provided that the recording session would be followed by the customary cocktails and love-making) and what would be the song title?)
Mr. Open Bar, you know full well that it has been my lifelong dream to perform a rendition of Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler."
Now comes the hard part: my accompaniment. After some deliberation, I realized I could do no wrong with the New York Gay Men's Choir.
From Russia with love,
Free Pizza
Mr. Open Bar, you know full well that it has been my lifelong dream to perform a rendition of Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler."
Now comes the hard part: my accompaniment. After some deliberation, I realized I could do no wrong with the New York Gay Men's Choir.
From Russia with love,
Free Pizza
Monday, March 16, 2009
Thank God For Duets
The duet is a peculiar beast. So delicate, so unpredictable. So much risk, so much reward. So much potential for masterpiece, and for ridicule.
The fact of the matter is, you never really know.
Though Elton John's 1976 pop duet with Kiki Dee, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" remains to be gold karaoke standard thirty years later, the much anticipated pairing of John, The Killers and The Pet Shop Boys' Neil Tennant for 2008's holiday menage a talent, "Joseph, Better You Than Me" was, in most opinions, a letdown. In the same vein, Frank Sinatra's album Duets housed both a breathy, annoying and unsettling rouse of "I've Got You Under My Skin" with hit-making machine Bono and a surprisingly moving cut of "All The Way/One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)" with Jacuzzi Jazz dumbass, Kenny G.
We could play this game all day.
Androgynous space alien, David Bowie contributed to both "Under Pressure" and "Dancing In The Street".
Pop virtuoso, Justin Timberlake was a part of the sultry sexjam "Dick In A Box" and the downright retarded "4 Minutes".
When all is said and done, we've got some real gems, and some real turds, but maybe that's just how it works. Maybe genius + genius doesn't always equal supergenius. Maybe, sometimes 1 + 1 = 0.
While this may be true, I wouldn't necessarily say that we are at a complete loss. I would like to think that, through the trials and errors of the musical duet, we've learned at least one very, very important rule of nature.
1. Everything that Paul McCartney touches turns to shit.
So it is now that I pose this question to my cohort, Ms. Free Pizza:
Who would you most like to be accompanied by in a duet (provided that the recording session would be followed by the customary cocktails and love-making) and what would be the song title?
Until next time,
Open Bar
The fact of the matter is, you never really know.
Though Elton John's 1976 pop duet with Kiki Dee, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" remains to be gold karaoke standard thirty years later, the much anticipated pairing of John, The Killers and The Pet Shop Boys' Neil Tennant for 2008's holiday menage a talent, "Joseph, Better You Than Me" was, in most opinions, a letdown. In the same vein, Frank Sinatra's album Duets housed both a breathy, annoying and unsettling rouse of "I've Got You Under My Skin" with hit-making machine Bono and a surprisingly moving cut of "All The Way/One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)" with Jacuzzi Jazz dumbass, Kenny G.
We could play this game all day.
Androgynous space alien, David Bowie contributed to both "Under Pressure" and "Dancing In The Street".
Pop virtuoso, Justin Timberlake was a part of the sultry sexjam "Dick In A Box" and the downright retarded "4 Minutes".
When all is said and done, we've got some real gems, and some real turds, but maybe that's just how it works. Maybe genius + genius doesn't always equal supergenius. Maybe, sometimes 1 + 1 = 0.
While this may be true, I wouldn't necessarily say that we are at a complete loss. I would like to think that, through the trials and errors of the musical duet, we've learned at least one very, very important rule of nature.
1. Everything that Paul McCartney touches turns to shit.
So it is now that I pose this question to my cohort, Ms. Free Pizza:
Who would you most like to be accompanied by in a duet (provided that the recording session would be followed by the customary cocktails and love-making) and what would be the song title?
Until next time,
Open Bar
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Re: Thank God for Fat Girl Songs
(If you could have a fat girl song written about you, who would perform it, and what would it be called?)
Though I'm not sure I could readily decide between Meat Loaf and Schoolly D as an artist, the track would most certainly be titled "Great Personality".
Good question, compatriot.
With love,
Open Bar
Though I'm not sure I could readily decide between Meat Loaf and Schoolly D as an artist, the track would most certainly be titled "Great Personality".
Good question, compatriot.
With love,
Open Bar
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thank God for Fat Girl Songs
It is agreed upon by professionals that music falls under the umbrella of entertainment. I know this because I am a professional and a Juilliard graduate. A special genre of music I have observed and come to appreciate is the delicate art of the fat girl song.
While it may be a time-honored tradition in popular song to objectify women, I've noticed a great disparity in the body types of women being objectified. It's time to be fair and give the hot and heavy ladies of the world their fair share. There have been a handful of chubby-chasing iconoclasts in the music industry that give the fat girls their due. In my painstaking research, I have assembled an adequate, informative list for you, the dedicated Thank God For Entertainment Blog reader.
Fat Girl Songs Sung By Gay Men
It is a historical fact that most fat girl songs are sung by gay men.
1. Fat Bottomed Girls -Queen
2. Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) -Mika
3. Polonaise No. 6 in A flat major, Op. 53, Heronique - Frédéric Chopin
Honorable Mentions
These songs are often mistaken as being fat girl songs, when really, they just emphasize a sizable posterior. The difference is not in the round thing in your face, but rather in the itty bitty waist.
1. Brick House -the Commodores
2. Baby Got Back -Sir Mix-a-Lot
3. Big Ole Butt -LL Cool J
Song That Doesn't Count
Because it sucks.
1. Whole Lotta Rosie -AC/DC
The Best Fat Girl Song
By virtue of its quality and by default, despite the band being fictitious.
1. Big Bottom -Spinal Tap
And with that, I pose a question to my associate, Open Bar:
If you could have a fat girl song written about you, who would perform it, and what would it be called?
Best regards,
Free Pizza
While it may be a time-honored tradition in popular song to objectify women, I've noticed a great disparity in the body types of women being objectified. It's time to be fair and give the hot and heavy ladies of the world their fair share. There have been a handful of chubby-chasing iconoclasts in the music industry that give the fat girls their due. In my painstaking research, I have assembled an adequate, informative list for you, the dedicated Thank God For Entertainment Blog reader.
Fat Girl Songs Sung By Gay Men
It is a historical fact that most fat girl songs are sung by gay men.
1. Fat Bottomed Girls -Queen
2. Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) -Mika
3. Polonaise No. 6 in A flat major, Op. 53, Heronique - Frédéric Chopin
Honorable Mentions
These songs are often mistaken as being fat girl songs, when really, they just emphasize a sizable posterior. The difference is not in the round thing in your face, but rather in the itty bitty waist.
1. Brick House -the Commodores
2. Baby Got Back -Sir Mix-a-Lot
3. Big Ole Butt -LL Cool J
Song That Doesn't Count
Because it sucks.
1. Whole Lotta Rosie -AC/DC
The Best Fat Girl Song
By virtue of its quality and by default, despite the band being fictitious.
1. Big Bottom -Spinal Tap
And with that, I pose a question to my associate, Open Bar:
If you could have a fat girl song written about you, who would perform it, and what would it be called?
Best regards,
Free Pizza
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Thank God For Us
Let us be clear, readers.
This is an entertainment blog.
The staff here at Thank God For Entertainment Blogs prides itself on being lovers of the lovely, appreciators of the awesome, and connoisseurs of the kickass. We understand you, as the readers, need to be informed. For this reason, we've taken it upon ourselves, Free Pizza and Open Bar, to serve you your weekly prescription of quality entertainment commentary by two marginally qualified pop culture professionals.
You can thank us later.
Sincerely,
Free Pizza and Open Bar
This is an entertainment blog.
The staff here at Thank God For Entertainment Blogs prides itself on being lovers of the lovely, appreciators of the awesome, and connoisseurs of the kickass. We understand you, as the readers, need to be informed. For this reason, we've taken it upon ourselves, Free Pizza and Open Bar, to serve you your weekly prescription of quality entertainment commentary by two marginally qualified pop culture professionals.
You can thank us later.
Sincerely,
Free Pizza and Open Bar
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